What we really think….

One of the angriest versions of my retail-working self. Please read with grace, and avoid my self checkout.


Customer: What’s this mean? Why’s it sayin’ this?! I paid in Cash!!

[Computer is requesting optional information, such as address, PO or a phone number to used, as is clearly stated on the screen, in case of return. Request is made with a bold *DECLINE* Button to the right side of the screen.]

What I say: You don’t have to answer, you can hit decline. Yes, decline. De-Cline. Right. Oh, I got it for you. You’re set. Don’t forget your receipt!!! Good-bye and Thank you.

What I’m thinking: You incompetent waste of space! It tells you what it needs, why it needs it. If you’re this paranoid, how do you cope? Why are you in public? Why the #*&% are you in Self Checkout?!


Customer: So, I’m gonna need a discount.

What I say: What kind of discount? I may be able to help.

What I’m thinking: Because you’re special? Because I should recognize you? If you want personalized service, go to a cashier who’s not monitoring three other incompetent homosapians and their oversized purchases!


Customer:  I’ve rung everything up, now how do I get it to be tax exempt?

What I say: Unfortunately, you’ll have to go to cashier, not self-checkout for that. Line 11 has no waiting.

What I think: By using your brain for logic, not speed you idiot! You thought you were going to save time this way, didn’t you? Think again!


Customer: Oooph-ow – I can’t believe this!

What I Say: Just hold on, and I’ll enter that myself so you don’t have to angle it so awkwardly.

What I think: You brought five 8-foot-long boards to the SELF-FLIPPING-CHECKOUT!! What are you, a gymnast? Are you trying to kill your fellow customers? How did your brain decide this was a logical and fast solution? You just spent 3 minutes trying to  contort one item enough to ring it up, and now I AM DOING THE WORK FOR YOU!


Customer: One….bump. Ow. Okay….two….now stand over there!

What I say: Sir, I’d be happy to change the quantity of your item, so you don’t have to scan 10 (4×6) boxes on that awkward screen.

What  I Think: You are an idiot.

Customer: Oh, okay, thank you….6.

What I say: Alright. Entered 5 more. Total of-

Customer: No, it’s six more.

What I say: Alright….I’ll change that to 6, and your other one makes 7.

Customer: We have EIGHT!!!

What I say: So…a TOTAL OF EIGHT. Alright. Changed to seven, plus your one is…

Customer: We already scanned 2. Don’t overcharge us!

What I say: Yes, you see…I can’t just enter the item. I have to change the quantity…on the last one. And make the whole quantity add up to your total. So, seven plus the first ONE is 8. That’s your total, right.

Customer: Yes, but we don’t just have seven, you know!

What I say: Oh, no, of course not! Sorry for the confusion. You’re now being charged for 8. It’s such a strange system, you know! hahahaha

What I think: Elementary school must have been such a struggle for you! Math. Addition. Idiots. And someone else KNOWING HER JOB! What a concept, you stuffed and arrogant person. You give a bad name to your age. JUST LET ME DO MY JOB! You’re the one that didn’t get in a regular line.


Customer: I’ll just come to you.

What I say: I’m afraid I can’t do that. I’m just monitoring, I don’t have a register open.

Customer: But you have a computer! And everything’s backed up!

What I say: Yes, I know – but it won’t be very long. See, right here, he’s finishing up. Just a moment more.

Customer: *glaring* You need more cashiers!

What I say: It’s almost your turn, sir. There you go.

What I think: We don’t NEED more cashiers. We NEED more intelligent customers.


Customer: OOooh! You a sexy one.

What I do: *sigh* Click

Customer: Yeah, you real sexy.

What I say: Sir, please stop.

Customer: I’m just-a-sayin’ – you be sexy! Uh-huh, sexy, sexy.

What I do: Internally remember that I am wearing an oversized red vest, jeans, sitting down, with my hair pulled into a ponytail, and my sore, throbbing foot propped up beside me.

What I say: Please leave, sir.

Customer: What? I saaaaaid –

What I say: Just. Leave. Good-bye.


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